


Burn

by boldlygoingnowherefast



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, First Time, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 01:59:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16924395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boldlygoingnowherefast/pseuds/boldlygoingnowherefast
Summary: Garak is used to feeling cold. He is not prepared for Julian's persistent warmth.





	Burn

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place sometime after "Doctor Bashir, I Presume?"

Garak was not used to warmth. The station was always cold, and though the looks directed his way from the Bajorans were no longer icy, Garak would find no warmth there. Garak’s life was lonely and solitary, and he always carried a chill no matter how many layers he wore or how high he turned the environmental controls in his quarters. It was a chill he could not shake.

Julian Bashir was a surprising warmth in his cold life. The man was sunshine and heat and a gaze directed at him filled with so much affection that Garak didn’t know what to do.

Garak knew what he _wanted_ to do, but it had been so long, and the thought of accepting affection from someone like Julian made him feel selfish and unworthy. He was an exiled spy with nothing to his name but a dark stain. Julian was young and kind and beautiful, and Garak was none of those things.

But regardless of what Garak thought he deserved, Julian was there with a smile and a comment about the book Garak had given him. It was all too good to be true, and Garak, ever the pragmatist, would wonder when this tentative happiness was going to be snatched from him.

Garak’s reptilian brain longed to bask in that warmth, to make use of it while it was still freely given to him. He longed to press into it and watch Julian’s face crease with something new, something full of a _different_ kind of heat.

Julian would surely end their friendship if he found out about these less-than-proper desires.

Worse than losing their friendship, though, was the thought of something happening to Julian due to Garak’s position. He had plenty of enemies, and though he was careful, Julian was much less so. Julian had kept one big secret his whole life and it had gotten away from him because of ambition. Garak wouldn’t bring his enemies down on Julian’s unprotected head, as lovely as it was.

“Are you going to finish that?” Julian asked, using his fork to point at Garak’s abandoned dessert.

Such thoughts were not conducive to enjoying one’s chocolate. He pushed the plate towards Julian. “You can have it.”

Julian grinned at him and tucked into the remainder of the chocolate mousse Garak had picked from the replicator.

When he began speaking again, there was chocolate on the corner of his mouth. “So, as I was saying, your understanding of Gatsby as a character has a startling lack of romance.”

Garak scoffed. “You’re telling me that Gatsby was _supposed_ to be understood through a lens of romance? His obsession for a woman who could never leave her comfortable world of old money was his undoing, in the end. That doesn’t seem very romantic to me.”

Garak always enjoyed their friendly bickering, and he knew that Julian did too, if not in the same way that Garak did. If Garak were a better man, he would call a halt on this friendly banter—after all, Julian didn’t know what it meant to a Cardassian. Not really. But Garak was who he was, and he would enjoy whatever Julian was willing to give him, even it wasn’t what Garak truly desired.

As Julian finished up the last of the chocolate mousse—and that chocolate on his mouth was _quite_ distracting, wasn’t it—his badge chirped. “Well, I have to head back to the Infirmary.”

“Will I see you for lunch next week?” Garak asked.

Julian fidgeted in his seat, and Garak was immediately suspicious.

“Actually, I was wondering if you’d want to get dinner sometime.” His voice turned up at the end to turn the phrase into a question.

Garak stared at him with his fidgeting and that pink hue tinting his cheeks. Julian was most certainly asking him on a date, and wasn’t that a shock? Garak had not predicted this. But it was written on his face and in his body language, and Garak wasn’t one to ignore the signs.

“Of course, if you don’t want to, I’ll understand completely. Our friendship is very important to me and I—”

“Yes.”

Julian blinked. “What?”

“Yes, I’ll have dinner with you.”

A bright smile slowly spread on Julian’s face, and it culled some of the dread that Garak was feeling at his quick response. “That’s great! Day after tomorrow? My quarters.”

Garak smiled and reached for the proper human expression. “It’s a date.”

 

Garak had made a terrible mistake. Julian would get attached and Garak would get attached and then something terrible would happen and it would be Garak’s fault because he had grown too sentimental to put a stop on this before they reached that point. Garak had known better. He had been an intelligence agent, after all, and he had spent most of his life learning not to stumble into romances. Tain would be turning in his grave, if he had been given one.

Garak stopped outside Julian’s quarters and tried not to sigh. He would have dinner with Julian tonight and then let him down gently at the end of their meal. Garak would have to come up with something that wouldn’t leave Julian even more intent on chasing him.

Garak pressed the door chime and the door swished open to reveal the dimmed lights of Julian’s quarters.

“Come in, Garak,” Julian called.

Garak stepped inside and noticed that it was warmer inside than in the corridor. Julian had adjusted the environmental controls for him.

“I’ll just be a moment,” Julian said from where he was leaning down to the replicator controls. “Have a seat.”

Garak moved to the table where Julian had set out two place settings and settled into one of the chairs. There was a bottle of alcohol sitting in the center of the table. It looked like wine, but Garak couldn’t be certain without picking it up and looking at the label. Garak had chosen the chair that allowed him to look across Julian’s quarters, and he was in the middle of cataloging the placement of everything when Julian set their plates down on the table.

“I thought we’d try something new,” he said with a grin. Garak wasn’t familiar with the dish Julian set in front of him, but it wasn’t the food he was concerned with tonight.

The combination of the heat in Julian’s quarters, the food—a Vulcan dish which ended up being spicy and very good—the wine, and the company loosened Garak’s resolve. Garak hadn’t felt this at ease in a long time, and Garak knew he was being foolish, but it was difficult to care when Tain was dead, he was exiled, and Julian was talking to him so sweetly and looking at him so fondly. Garak longed for kindness, for softness and warmth.

Julian’s gaze had always been warm and fond, but tonight there was a new edge to it. Where his previous looks had been warm, this had a different heat to it altogether, and oh how good it felt to be on the receiving end of a gaze like that.

“You’ve been quiet tonight,” Julian said after they had cleared their plates and were sipping slowly at the last of the wine. “You’re never quiet.”

Garak peered down into the deep red of the wine in his glass and pushed back against the part of him that wanted to stay here in Julian’s quarters and see where the night took them.

“I have a lot to think about,” Garak responded.

Julian’s expression became slightly more pensive. “Listen, Garak, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. It’s important to me. But I can’t be the only one who feels like it could be more.”

Garak set his wine glass down on the table with a click and took a steadying breath. “Feelings are only one facet of decision-making, Doctor.”

“What are the other facets telling you, then?”

Garak leaned back in his chair and peered across the table at the earnest expression on Julian’s face. “There are many reasons a relationship is a bad idea, the largest being my past and your career.”

Julian crossed his arms. “I don’t care what the Federation thinks, Garak. They may pitch a fit, but there’s nothing they can actually do about it, not when I’m the only doctor willing to stay out here in the middle of all this.”

Garak shook his head. “You say that now, but you know what the Federation is capable of, more so than many.”

Julian didn’t have a response to that one.

“Without the Federation to worry about, I still have enough shadows lurking in my past for the both of us.”

“And these shadows, let me guess—they’d hurt me to get to you?” Julian didn’t look impressed.

“Yes, Doctor, and I cannot risk that.”

Julian leaned forward. “Garak, you act as though you’re some high-ranking operative, but you’re not. Not anymore. You’re exiled, and alone. I’m alone too, and we don’t _have_ to be.”

Garak had been worried that Julian would be persistent. He often was when it came to something that he wanted that he believed was for the best. And whatever part of Garak that wanted it as well was drawing Julian towards him like sleep drew someone who was freezing into its gentle embrace. Garak had to dissuade him, one way or another, and Garak was realizing he would have to be harsh.

“What are you hoping to get out of this?” Garak asked. “A night of passion? A torrid love affair? Something _lasting_?”

“Certainly not one night,” Julian said softly.

“And you think a long-term relationship would work?” Garak asked with just the right amount of condescension in his tone.

Julian blinked, and Garak could see him beginning to bristle. Unfortunate, but necessary.

“You can’t deny we have chemistry, Garak, and we get along. I don’t understand what’s so terrible about seeing where it might lead.” 

It was then that Garak knew he was going to have to be harsh to get Julian to back off. 

“You’re forgetting one very important thing, Doctor. You and I are _nothing_ alike. We may share an interest in literature and debate, but that’s where our similarities end. I hope you don’t truly think that I would be interested in a man like you?”

Julian’s face darkened. “And what is a man like me?”

Garak was holding the metaphorical knife and aiming for the weakest spot, now he just had to lunge.  

“You are a man who hides behind Federation ideals and genetic enhancements to obscure the fact that you’re completely out of your depth. You obsess over holodeck programs because you want to be more than you are, more than you’ll ever be, and you try to forget that the only reason you’re even here in the first place is because of an illegal procedure your parents paid for when you were a child. You’re a _fake_ and nothing more than a passing entertainment to me.”

The face that had held so much warmth before twisted in hurt, and then quickly into anger. He was angrier than Garak had ever seen him. This was all for his own good, but that didn’t mean the anger on his face wasn’t painful for Garak to see and know he caused.

“How dare you accept my invitation just to insult me,” he breathed. “Get out, Garak.”

“I hope you now understand why—”

Julian shot to his feet. “Get out!”

Garak stood from the table and looked Julian right in his furious expression. “Thank you for the meal.”

Julian’s expression didn’t crack, and Garak left feeling more regret than he let himself think about.

 

Garak didn’t see Julian for three days. Their lunches were usually only once a week, but Garak often ran into Julian a few times in between their lunch dates, enough to exchange a pleasant greeting or a short update on whatever book they were discussing that week. Sometimes, Julian would stop into his shop to talk to him in between customers. Now, it was like Julian was keeping off the Promenade altogether, to avoid running into Garak.

Garak was hopeful that Julian would eventually come around to continuing their friendship without the desire for romance, but Garak’s barbs may have been too sharp. Garak may have ruined more than the budding romance.

Four days after Julian had shouted at him in his quarters, Garak’s door chime sounded. Garak stood from where he had been curled in a chair reading and moved to the door. It hissed open at his touch to the control panel.

Julian stood in the entrance, nerves written plainly across his face and in his posture.

“Garak, can I come in?”

Garak stood back and allowed Julian to enter his quarters, nervous energy bubbling from him and filling the room. Garak, as practiced as he was at separating his own emotions from those around him--a skill necessary for an interrogator--could feel Julian’s nerves putting him on edge.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?” Garak asked once the doors had closed behind Julian.

Julian turned to him. “You were an ass the other night,” Julian began, “but your words got me thinking about all of this, and it’s led me to some interesting conclusions.”

“Oh? Do enlighten me.”

“You’re scared.”

Garak stared at him with raised brows. “Scared?”

“Yes! You’re pushing me away because you’re scared of what a change in our relationship risks.”

“Doctor, you surely can’t think that—”

“Garak, shut up for a second, would you?” Julian snapped, a bit of the anger from the other night showing through.

Garak crossed his arms and gave Julian an expectant look.

“You seem to think that as soon as we start dating, someone from your past is going to magically appear on this station and kill me,” Julian said with a shake of his head. “You’re forgetting that I face death nearly every day of my life. We’re at war, Garak, and whatever happened to me in that Dominion prison camp can’t be that much better than what an enemy of yours would do to me. And what Cardassian or Romulan or Klingon has time to enact revenge right now?”

Garak was silent, and Julian stepped closer to him with a softening expression. “I’m not some defenseless innocent, either. I can hold my own.”

Garak stared into his dark eyes and wondered what he had done to earn the affections of such an earnest and wonderful man. “Julian, the thought of entering a relationship with you, willingly, and leading you to harm is….”

“Garak, I’m already in harm’s way every day of my life. I chose this life, and I’m choosing you, too, despite all the risks. You’re worth it.”

Garak let out a tight breath, and suddenly the fight was gone from him. He didn’t have the energy to keep pushing Julian away, not anymore.

“My dear, you are going to be the end of both of us,” Garak murmured.

“If we’re together, I’d say it’s worth it.”

Garak moved forward and finally, _finally_ pressed his mouth to those soft lips.  When he placed his hand on the small of Julian’s back to pull him closer, Julian made the most delicious noise against his mouth. This was what he had longed for since the very first time he had laid eyes on Julian, and it was better than he could have imagined. Julian was a furnace, and his mouth was warm and yielding. His body was pliant to Garak’s possessive touches, and Garak couldn’t seem to pull him close enough.

Julian’s hands slid up to his shoulders, and when they glided along Garak’s neck to get to his hair, Garak let out a hiss at the fire they left in their wake.

“Those ridges are sensitive, aren’t they?” Julian asked against his mouth.

Garak kissed him deeper in response.

"Garak, I'd very much like you to take me to bed."

"You don't have to say it twice," Garak responded. 

They slowly made their way to Garak’s bedroom, and if Garak found the Starfleet uniform design to be awful before, it was nothing short of a nuisance now. The zipper was tiny, and Garak was struggling to tug it down Julian’s shoulders.

Julian puffed out a laugh. “Here, let me.”

Garak batted his hands away. “Surely you will indulge me this,” Garak said and finally pulled the wretched thing off of Julian’s arms. As each layer was removed from Julian’s body, it became more and more apparent just how wiry he was. His legs and chest, finally bared to Garak’s gaze, were thin and sinewy. Garak let his mouth slide along Julian’s collarbone and listened to the answering hiss.

When Garak ran his hands down the bare skin of Julian’s back, Julian sighed. “Garak, you’re overdressed, and I won’t even begin to guess how this thing comes off.”

Garak pulled back just enough to find the clasps that ran along the left side of his torso and made quick work of them. As soon as the tunic was on the floor, there were hot hands on the bared skin of his chest, followed by a tongue at his collarbone, and Garak couldn’t help the low groan that escaped from his mouth. The nip of teeth was enough to make Garak lose the rest of his patience. He took Julian by the shoulders and pushed him back on the bed, knees between Julian’s thighs, and when Julian looked up at him with tousled hair and pink lips, Garak rested a hand on the side of his face and drank in the sight. 

The heat in Julian’s gaze softened for a moment. “Garak?”

“Julian, my dear,” he breathed, and his voice came out raspier than expected. He was unable to say what it was he was feeling, but judging by the look on Julian’s face, he understood. Somehow, Julian always seemed to understand.

Julian leaned up on his elbows and captured Garak’s mouth in a kiss, sweeter than before, and Garak slowly helped him ease back down against the bed without breaking the kiss. He rolled his still-clothed hips and felt Julian’s gasp against his mouth.

Julian slipped his fingers under the waistband of Garak’s underwear and Garak lifted his hips to allow Julian to pull them off. While Garak was up, Julian slid out of his own underwear.

With all of Julian bared to him, Garak was suddenly uncertain how to proceed. He wanted to touch Julian everywhere, wanted to put his mouth on him and watch him squirm and cry, but he also longed to bury himself in that heat and see Julian’s face twist in a different kind of pleasure

Julian could sense his hesitation. “I want you, Garak. Please.”

Garak watched Julian’s open face raptly as he prepared him, and then even more carefully when he slowly pushed into that tight heat. Julian gripped Garak’s shoulders and whined, his head thrown back against the bed, baring that long unadorned throat for Garak to kiss.

“Julian,” Garak breathed, holding himself back. “Are you—?”

Julian let out a shaky breath and met Garak’s gaze. “I’m good, Garak.”

The intensity with which Julian watched Garak as he started to move was enough to make Garak’s breath catch in his chest. He caught one of Julian’s hands and threated their fingers together against the bed beside Julian’s head. All the points where their bodies met were like fire, but Garak wasn’t afraid of being burned, not this time.

Julian reached up with his other hand and slid it into Garak’s hair to pull him down into a messy kiss. He was making soft gasping noises, and the occasional whine from his throat was more than a Cardassian would make in bed, but Garak wanted to encourage more noises like that from him. It was _human_ and it was Julian, and Garak was enraptured. Julian was so beautiful like this, his mouth slack and his brows furrowed, his forehead spotted with sweat. Garak felt he was being given a gift to see and feel Julian like this.

When he took Julian’s cock in hand, it didn’t take long for Julian to climax with a high whine. Garak shifted his angle, and it didn’t take long for him to follow Julian.

Afterward, Julian curled in close to Garak and tucked his head under Garak’s chin. His hair tickled, but Garak didn’t mind, and he clutched Julian closer. “Still think this was a mistake?” Julian asked, and his voice was light but Garak could feel the tension in his shoulders.

“My dear, it is probably one of the bigger mistakes I’ve made in my life, but I make it gladly.”

Julian pulled back enough to meet his gaze. “Whatever happens, I’m sticking with you. I hope you understand that.”

Garak placed his hand on Julian’s neck, right below his ear, and pulled their foreheads together. “Your dedication is more than I deserve, but I’m feeling greedy.”

Julian sighed, and it was a puff of hot air on Garak’s mouth. “Maybe one day you’ll see that you aren’t unworthy of my affection.”

Garak pulled back and tilted his chin up to let Julian tuck his head where it had been before. “That, my dear, may take a long time.”

He could feel Julian’s smile against his throat. “I’m up for the challenge.”

With Julian curled around him, his warm body and even warmer words reached into the chill Garak had carried for years, and Garak, against his better judgement, felt himself beginning to thaw.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on [tumblr](http://sareks.tumblr.com)


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